Summer Under the Son

This weekend I went to Phillip Island for Summer Under the Son (SUTS). It's actually still going on until Wednesday but I only went for the weekend. Last year I went for the whole time and, hopefully, next year I'll be able to again but this year just for the weekend.

And... I forget how it is at SUTS. Last year was my first year going since I was about 13 (where I went to the youth camp which is at a seperate site) and it's like... well, like being surrounded by family. Many Christian communities are all close-knit, and I turn up and find myself surrounded by people who knew me as a child, or knew my parents, etc. Of course not everyone, not even most people, but even those people, well... everyone is brothers and sisters in Christ.

SUTS is an Anglican Missionary Convention, where CMS (Christian Missionary Society) give people the opportunity to hear what work the missionaries are doing, and the Missionaries who are with them who are on Home Assignment (visiting home from whatever country/area they are serving in) tell stories and what tehy've been up to and what work God has been doing. A lot of them, serving in dangerous countries, have gone through a lot yet they're all eager to get back.

It's also my birthday in two days and one of my friends is taking me out to see a movie and then lunch :) And then a few days after that, I'll be having a party-thingy at Pancake Parlour.

Christmas Time

So it's Christmas now... about one hour into Christmas in Australia. I've just come back from my church's midnight service. I'm going to be moving (again) next year and this time, I'll be changing churches, too. Actually, I'll be living next door to a church. Actually, I'll be living on the church's property... so, of course, I'll be going to that church.

Which means goodbye current church.

Anyway, as much as I'm looking forward to it, I'm going to miss my current church a lot. I have a lot of history with that particular church, way back when I was a kid. Actually, tonight at the midnight Christmas service, I ran into an old babysitter of mine who I haven't seen in years.

I have a lot of friends there. A good community, too. It's very sad. It wasn't that long ago when I had to say "goodbye, possibly forever" to people from TAFE. I doubt it'll be "goodbye forever" to people from church because people know each other within the Christian community and I know I'll see them again in this life and the next. And I know where I can find them. But I basically grew up in that church. Most of my best growing-up memories are at that church. Some of my best grown-up memories are there, too.

I still have the whole of next month at that church, though, so it's not all happening yet. And unlike at TAFE where giving people proper goodbyes may be awkward and not always appropriate depending on my relationship with said people, I know that at church I can give proper goodbyes and they'll send me off with prayers and hugs.

And I believe that this is the move that God wants me to make.

And actually, this was a pretty crummy year in some ways, but looking back at it what overshadows the crappiness is that I can see how God has looked after me and guided me so I didn't have to find my way on my own. This house is part of that, too.

Anyway, goodnight. I'm sleepy and it's Christmas today.

Love Green.

Today and stuff

I used to be good at writing interesting blogs (I think) I mean, before this blog. Now this blog it's all about, boo, my parents are splitting up! Boo, I need to find a place to live! Boo, I need a job! Bleh. Whatever. Boooring.

Not that it matters. I have, like, one person who looks at this blog. Maybe occasionally two. And I'm not sure if I really want more people to. I mean, maybe I do a little bit, but maybe there is one or two people who I might not want to read this blog. I mean, not that there's anything here that I would be required to ostracise myself from society if the wrong person looked at it, but... um... I dunno. Whatever.

So, uh... I'm not good at being interesting when I'm trying to be. I'm sleepy.

People keep saying that the more interviews I go to, the more confident I'll start to be in interviews. But I don't really get how being rejected after an interview makes me more confident about them.

I had some talky thingy today for class and I did my talky thingy as part of a group. It went okay, I think. I mean, at least, it didn't go horribly. When I picked my topic (earlier in the year) about what I was going to talk about, I was like, "Ooh, look at me being all controversial and brave!" And then as it got closer and closer, I was thinking, "This was a stupid idea and I only chose it in a moment of rebellion to demonstrate my difference to the majority of the people in the course and that's a stupid reason to pick a subject when I should've picked something that is actually informative and useful to the class." But whatever, I'd already chosen it and I didn't do enough research, anyway, because I'd been busy about worrying about stuff in my life and stuff, and so in the end it was probably a good idea that I picked something that I had some interest in because even when I got up there thinking I was completely unprepared and would have nothing to say but complete fluff, I found that I did have more to say about the topic than I thought I did and I don't know if any of it was actually informative and useful to anyone else, but standing up there and saying, "Yep, I didn't do enough research on this topic that could've been informative and useful" probably wouldn't have been much good to anyone else, anyway.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, our group had to do a presentation on non-fiction, and each member of our group focussed on a specific form of non-fiction, (except one who did a general overview) and I chose to do Christian non-fiction. Well, religious non-fiction so I also talked about the atheist books and stuff, but mostly concentrated on Christian non-fiction because that's what I knew and that's what was in my bookshelf. Anyway, the majority (although not all) of the people in the course are atheists and regularly ridicule Christianity.

The end.

Approach to Prayer

I was reading this blog entry about praying, and it got me thinking about different attitudes a person can have towards prayer.

I think it's hard to know what the right attitude one needs for prayer; I find it to be a process of constant tweaking throughout a person's life, when they realise, hang on, this isn't necessarily the best approach to prayer, I need to be more humble. Then, later on, hang on, I don't always trust all my troubles to God, I need to be more open. But I think the more one prays, even if your praying might not start out with the best approach, the more God can do that tweaking and growing of you, the more your prayers will be aligned with God's desires?

When I was much younger and more foolish than now, I prayed to God that "[a certain boy] would start liking me and want to date me, and that in return, I would always put this much of my pocket money in the collection bowl in church; and actually, no, I will do that anyway, because I know I'm not supposed to bargain with you like that, and if it's something I should be doing I should do it, anyway, instead of trying to withold from you because I want something so I'm sorry please forgive me but could you make this boy like me, anyway? I really really want him to. Amen."

Or something along those lines.

During and after I had prayed that I knew the prayer was just wrong. It felt wrong and I felt really guilty about it. But even in the praying of it God was teaching me about prayer. God also answered that prayer pretty much immediately. The most immediate answer to prayer that I had ever gotten. The answer was, "No, I'm not going to force him to like you." Very clearly. It wasn't anything that happened that gave me a sign, it was pretty much just a resounding "No" that I felt inside of me, and I knew not to make a prayer like that, again. Perhaps I should've prayed: I'm lonely, I really like this guy, I'm struggling with feelings of frustration/rejection/uncertainty, please help me through this, and come to terms with the situation, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen.

Anyway, this issue has come up again more recently in my life, although in a slightly different context. It has to do with my parents. They are splitting up. When I was first told about this, I was devastated. I went to take it to God and I was at a lost at what I should pray. There were two approaches I could see:

A) Pray that they work it out and don't split up. After all, God never celebrates when a marriage is broken up. But would that just be another case of trying to get God to impose what I want onto a situation, and deluding myself into thinking they might still stay together?

B) Pray that they'll both find happiness and forgiveness, regardless of what happens, and that I can find acceptance and peace with the situation. Them breaking up might not be a good thing but it's happening and so I have to handle the situation for what it is. But by accepting the situation, am I not trusting God enough to be able to heal their marriage, no matter how unlikely it seems right now?

I'm not saying one approach is better than the other. Probably one approach IS better than the other, but I don't know which one. I don't think it's wrong to tell God what you want, desire, hope for, but I think there's a difference between sharing and being honest with God with what's on your heart, and telling God so he can fulfill them for you. But I don't really know. I worry about using prayer to impose my will, instead of using it to fulfill God's will. It is a balance in prayer that I often struggle with.

God's will be done. Amen.

Heaven and Hell and Random Thoughts

As a child, I had certain images of both Heaven and Hell. I'll start with Hell. This might sound odd, but I used to imagine Hell to be like a hot bath. This was an image I had conjured up from somewhere when I was about seven years old when I was imagining what Hell was like. It was not something that was given to me by someone else, although obviously the idea of heat was from the traditional idea of Hell. But what's so bad about a hot bath, you ask? Aren't hot baths generally pleasant?

Of course, Hell was not just any kind of hot bath, it was a hot bath that you didn't get used to. You see, at that age when Mum would draw me a bath, the water was always a little bit hotter than what was comfortable for me. However, I'd get in slowly, and my body would eventually adjust to the heat, or as I would put it at that age, "I'd get used to it." Then, the heat would be pleasant, then the water would cool down and I'd sit in the bath for ages not wanting to get out because it was too cold when I got out and my fingers would get all wrinkly.

But the point is... my idea of hell was like a bath that was always too hot, a bath that you wouldn't adjust to.

It seems like a tame idea of hell but I suppose my view of Hell hasn't changed so much. It's not based on heat anymore, but there are plenty of unpleasant things on Earth that you can get used to. You can get used to loneliness, or abuse, or hardship, or heat, or cold, or pain, if you're experiencing it long enough. Some of those things are not things that is necessarily a good thing to get used to, but a lot of the time people experiencing these things learn to live with it if they have to. They get used to it, however unpleasant they might be. Hell is not something I understand a lot about as a Christian, but I mostly believe that Hell is the absence of God. And I suppose I believe that being in complete absence of God, and having full comprehension of that absence, well, you wouldn't get used it.

My view of heaven at seven years old was if a slightly different nature. I imagined it as a place where I could have whatever I wanted, and did whatever I wanted. And at that age, the thing I wanted more than anything else was an infinite source of magic paper, that whatever I drew on it would become real. So when I would pine over the fact that this paper does not yet exist, I would console myself with, "I'll get it when I'm in heaven."

I went to a Christian school where they would have an assembly every Friday morning. I remember one such assembly where they had a guest speaker who was very passionate about heaven. I suspect he may not have really thought about what was the best thing to say to kids to get them passionate, however. But he talked about his own vision of heaven, and I always remembered it.

He said that God would be there, and he'd be like, let me show you something really awesome, and God would open up his coat to show some imaginary thing that was hidden underneath his coat (and I often imagined God to be wearing a trenchcoat for years afterwards whenever I thought of heaven), and God would show us this awesome thing, and then we'd be so awe-struck and astounded that we would praise God for a thousand years. And just when that thousand years was up and we were winding up our praise for God, God would say, "Let me show you something else," and he'd show us another thing that was hidden underneath his coat, and we would be so awe-struck and astounded that for another thousand years, we would be worshipping God. And just when that second thousand years ended, God would say... well, you get the picture. This would go on for eternity.

And you can imagine what I, a seven-year old girl was thinking, that spending a thousand years to eternity gawking over something I didn't even know what it was, yet, I wouldn't have any time to draw on my magic paper.

I was disappointed, but I was also a faithful little girl and I told myself that I just didn't get it, yet, that I knew that Heaven would be fun. And if that's what we'd be doing in Heaven, well, we'd have fun doing it. And for some reason, this image stuck with me.

Now that I'm older I think I understand better what the man was talking about, and why he was so excited about his view of heaven, an excitement I couldn't comprehend at the time. I had to change my thinking a bit to understand it, though. Instead of thinking about what I could get to do in heaven, I needed to try and imagine what was so wonderful that could make me sing out in joy for a whole thousand years. A thing that could excite me for a whole thousand years that I could do nothing but sing and dance out in joy the whole time is incomprehensible to me, but that was what it was to look forward to Heaven, to find out what that thing is. And I don't think it's something that God is hiding under his trenchcoat, but I think it will be God's majesty itself, in all its glory. I think that because I sometimes feel it while on Earth, that sense of being in awe of God, a desire to grow closer to God and to be in God's presence. This is Heaven's reward, and it is hard for people who do not have this desire to understand what is so great about it, which is very similar to why I didn't understand what was so great about this man's view of heaven when I was seven.

A person once told me that no matter how good a thing is, one will eventually be tired of it, even existence. That is why if there was a Heaven, if it was for eternity, it would eventually turn into Hell, because one would grow sick of existence. I don't believe this, though, because the bible tells us that there will be no weariness in Heaven, and boredom is a kind of weariness. Getting sick of something is a kind of weariness. It is hard to imagine because we only have our earthly bodies as reference, but it will be a different kind of existence, one that we cannot yet comprehend. I was thinking about this earlier today, and it occurred to me, Heaven and Hell have one thing in common. You see, I believe that Heaven is being in the complete presence of God, and the thing about being in the complete presence of God, is that you don't get used to it.

Worship

I went to Phillip Island this weekend and I got back today. It was really good, the focus of the weekend was worship, and we learned two different Hebrew words for worship - hawa, which means "facedown" worship, it is what someone does when they realise they are in the presence of greatness. It is being in awe, speechless. In order to experience this for God, one has to know God, in order to recognise His greatness. Like seeing a celebrity in the street, if you don't know who the celebrity is or recognise them as a celebrity, it does not do much for you.

The second word we learned was abad - to work, to serve, to honour, to surrender, to worship. This is being a living sacrifice to God, where every aspect of your life is given to God, for God. When you are at work, you do your work in honour of God. When Adam was placed in the garden of Eden to tend the garden, the word abad was used to mean work. His work was an act of worship.