I was reading this blog entry about praying, and it got me thinking about different attitudes a person can have towards prayer.
I think it's hard to know what the right attitude one needs for prayer; I find it to be a process of constant tweaking throughout a person's life, when they realise, hang on, this isn't necessarily the best approach to prayer, I need to be more humble. Then, later on, hang on, I don't always trust all my troubles to God, I need to be more open. But I think the more one prays, even if your praying might not start out with the best approach, the more God can do that tweaking and growing of you, the more your prayers will be aligned with God's desires?
When I was much younger and more foolish than now, I prayed to God that "[a certain boy] would start liking me and want to date me, and that in return, I would always put this much of my pocket money in the collection bowl in church; and actually, no, I will do that anyway, because I know I'm not supposed to bargain with you like that, and if it's something I should be doing I should do it, anyway, instead of trying to withold from you because I want something so I'm sorry please forgive me but could you make this boy like me, anyway? I really really want him to. Amen."
Or something along those lines.
During and after I had prayed that I knew the prayer was just wrong. It felt wrong and I felt really guilty about it. But even in the praying of it God was teaching me about prayer. God also answered that prayer pretty much immediately. The most immediate answer to prayer that I had ever gotten. The answer was, "No, I'm not going to force him to like you." Very clearly. It wasn't anything that happened that gave me a sign, it was pretty much just a resounding "No" that I felt inside of me, and I knew not to make a prayer like that, again. Perhaps I should've prayed: I'm lonely, I really like this guy, I'm struggling with feelings of frustration/rejection/uncertainty, please help me through this, and come to terms with the situation, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen.
Anyway, this issue has come up again more recently in my life, although in a slightly different context. It has to do with my parents. They are splitting up. When I was first told about this, I was devastated. I went to take it to God and I was at a lost at what I should pray. There were two approaches I could see:
A) Pray that they work it out and don't split up. After all, God never celebrates when a marriage is broken up. But would that just be another case of trying to get God to impose what I want onto a situation, and deluding myself into thinking they might still stay together?
B) Pray that they'll both find happiness and forgiveness, regardless of what happens, and that I can find acceptance and peace with the situation. Them breaking up might not be a good thing but it's happening and so I have to handle the situation for what it is. But by accepting the situation, am I not trusting God enough to be able to heal their marriage, no matter how unlikely it seems right now?
I'm not saying one approach is better than the other. Probably one approach IS better than the other, but I don't know which one. I don't think it's wrong to tell God what you want, desire, hope for, but I think there's a difference between sharing and being honest with God with what's on your heart, and telling God so he can fulfill them for you. But I don't really know. I worry about using prayer to impose my will, instead of using it to fulfill God's will. It is a balance in prayer that I often struggle with.
God's will be done. Amen.
28 April 2010
25 April 2010
cliques and cliches
I wonder if highschool in America is really like how they show on American TV and movies, in the sense that there is a "goth" group, and a "preppy" group, and a "nerd" group, and a "jock and cheerleader" group. Maybe it's because we had to wear school uniforms or something, but highschool was never like that for me. Yeah, we had different groups forming but they weren't founded on cliches. I don't remember a "goth" group or a "nerd" group... and playing sports didn't make anyone cooler and being smart didn't make anyone less cool. Or maybe it did and I was just oblivious to it all?
And it's not like the "goths" or "jocks" or "nerds" mixed, it was as simple as no one identified themselves or each other with those labels. I don't even think I learned what a "jock" was until after I left highschool.
Does anyone have an experience of high school that WAS anything like it's portrayed on TV? Or is it just the people who write TV shows who think highschool is like that? Was my highschool an exception? Or is it just in America where they aren't required to wear school uniforms?
And it's not like the "goths" or "jocks" or "nerds" mixed, it was as simple as no one identified themselves or each other with those labels. I don't even think I learned what a "jock" was until after I left highschool.
Does anyone have an experience of high school that WAS anything like it's portrayed on TV? Or is it just the people who write TV shows who think highschool is like that? Was my highschool an exception? Or is it just in America where they aren't required to wear school uniforms?
19 April 2010
Your Karma Ran Over My Dogma
MY PET PEEVE: Karma.
I don't have anything against the idea of Karma itself, it's just the way people who have little understanding of it seem to throw it around like their mantra. I've even had a devoted atheist (devoted to their atheism, that is) tell me they believe in Karma. If a devoted Hindu person spoke to me about Karma, it would not bother me. I suppose I don't even mind (that much) how Westerners seem to have adopted the word to fit their own meaning.
(I don't really know that much about karma, so I could be wrong, but from what I understand of it is that it's something that may take lifetimes before consequences manifest, I find it interesting the way that Westerners seemed to have Big Macced it - it's more about Instant Gratification than anything of real substance.)
No, language evolves and we adopt different words to fit our meaning. It used to annoy me more than it does, but I've gotten past that aspect. The thing that annoys me is the way that, when somebody complains about that jerk of a co-worker, they, or their friend who's trying to make them feel better by validating their complaints, makes a comment like, "Don't worry, Karma will get them." Or, "I hope they get a taste of their own Karma!"
What happens to others as a result of their actions has little to do with me, and I have better motivations for trying to do right and not doing wrong than hoping or fearing that it will come back to me. I don't believe in Karma, but even if I did, taking satisfaction in imagining that Karma will avenge your petty grievances seems unworthy of the concept.
Another thought:
When I hear somebody say "God will punish you!" I flinch. It goes against my sensibilities as a follower of God to think that a human can be so arrogant to command God or even anticipate his wrath. For someone who claims to follow the ways of Karma, isn't just as grating to say, "Karma will get you!"?
I don't have anything against the idea of Karma itself, it's just the way people who have little understanding of it seem to throw it around like their mantra. I've even had a devoted atheist (devoted to their atheism, that is) tell me they believe in Karma. If a devoted Hindu person spoke to me about Karma, it would not bother me. I suppose I don't even mind (that much) how Westerners seem to have adopted the word to fit their own meaning.
(I don't really know that much about karma, so I could be wrong, but from what I understand of it is that it's something that may take lifetimes before consequences manifest, I find it interesting the way that Westerners seemed to have Big Macced it - it's more about Instant Gratification than anything of real substance.)
No, language evolves and we adopt different words to fit our meaning. It used to annoy me more than it does, but I've gotten past that aspect. The thing that annoys me is the way that, when somebody complains about that jerk of a co-worker, they, or their friend who's trying to make them feel better by validating their complaints, makes a comment like, "Don't worry, Karma will get them." Or, "I hope they get a taste of their own Karma!"
What happens to others as a result of their actions has little to do with me, and I have better motivations for trying to do right and not doing wrong than hoping or fearing that it will come back to me. I don't believe in Karma, but even if I did, taking satisfaction in imagining that Karma will avenge your petty grievances seems unworthy of the concept.
Another thought:
When I hear somebody say "God will punish you!" I flinch. It goes against my sensibilities as a follower of God to think that a human can be so arrogant to command God or even anticipate his wrath. For someone who claims to follow the ways of Karma, isn't just as grating to say, "Karma will get you!"?
14 April 2010
My Day
So I spent part of my day listening to people mock my religion. That was fun. I'm not complaining, though, it's not anything I can't handle, or don't expect.
Also, there's this lady in my class who I haven't really talked to or know at all, but judging from the things she says in the class, she seems to be a really nice and intelligent person, so it's occurred to me that perhaps it might be worthwhile seeking to have a conversation with this person at some stage.
What else? Oh, yes, I got my head rubbed today.
The end.
Also, there's this lady in my class who I haven't really talked to or know at all, but judging from the things she says in the class, she seems to be a really nice and intelligent person, so it's occurred to me that perhaps it might be worthwhile seeking to have a conversation with this person at some stage.
What else? Oh, yes, I got my head rubbed today.
The end.
09 April 2010
Heaven and Hell and Random Thoughts
As a child, I had certain images of both Heaven and Hell. I'll start with Hell. This might sound odd, but I used to imagine Hell to be like a hot bath. This was an image I had conjured up from somewhere when I was about seven years old when I was imagining what Hell was like. It was not something that was given to me by someone else, although obviously the idea of heat was from the traditional idea of Hell. But what's so bad about a hot bath, you ask? Aren't hot baths generally pleasant?
Of course, Hell was not just any kind of hot bath, it was a hot bath that you didn't get used to. You see, at that age when Mum would draw me a bath, the water was always a little bit hotter than what was comfortable for me. However, I'd get in slowly, and my body would eventually adjust to the heat, or as I would put it at that age, "I'd get used to it." Then, the heat would be pleasant, then the water would cool down and I'd sit in the bath for ages not wanting to get out because it was too cold when I got out and my fingers would get all wrinkly.
But the point is... my idea of hell was like a bath that was always too hot, a bath that you wouldn't adjust to.
It seems like a tame idea of hell but I suppose my view of Hell hasn't changed so much. It's not based on heat anymore, but there are plenty of unpleasant things on Earth that you can get used to. You can get used to loneliness, or abuse, or hardship, or heat, or cold, or pain, if you're experiencing it long enough. Some of those things are not things that is necessarily a good thing to get used to, but a lot of the time people experiencing these things learn to live with it if they have to. They get used to it, however unpleasant they might be. Hell is not something I understand a lot about as a Christian, but I mostly believe that Hell is the absence of God. And I suppose I believe that being in complete absence of God, and having full comprehension of that absence, well, you wouldn't get used it.
My view of heaven at seven years old was if a slightly different nature. I imagined it as a place where I could have whatever I wanted, and did whatever I wanted. And at that age, the thing I wanted more than anything else was an infinite source of magic paper, that whatever I drew on it would become real. So when I would pine over the fact that this paper does not yet exist, I would console myself with, "I'll get it when I'm in heaven."
I went to a Christian school where they would have an assembly every Friday morning. I remember one such assembly where they had a guest speaker who was very passionate about heaven. I suspect he may not have really thought about what was the best thing to say to kids to get them passionate, however. But he talked about his own vision of heaven, and I always remembered it.
He said that God would be there, and he'd be like, let me show you something really awesome, and God would open up his coat to show some imaginary thing that was hidden underneath his coat (and I often imagined God to be wearing a trenchcoat for years afterwards whenever I thought of heaven), and God would show us this awesome thing, and then we'd be so awe-struck and astounded that we would praise God for a thousand years. And just when that thousand years was up and we were winding up our praise for God, God would say, "Let me show you something else," and he'd show us another thing that was hidden underneath his coat, and we would be so awe-struck and astounded that for another thousand years, we would be worshipping God. And just when that second thousand years ended, God would say... well, you get the picture. This would go on for eternity.
And you can imagine what I, a seven-year old girl was thinking, that spending a thousand years to eternity gawking over something I didn't even know what it was, yet, I wouldn't have any time to draw on my magic paper.
I was disappointed, but I was also a faithful little girl and I told myself that I just didn't get it, yet, that I knew that Heaven would be fun. And if that's what we'd be doing in Heaven, well, we'd have fun doing it. And for some reason, this image stuck with me.
Now that I'm older I think I understand better what the man was talking about, and why he was so excited about his view of heaven, an excitement I couldn't comprehend at the time. I had to change my thinking a bit to understand it, though. Instead of thinking about what I could get to do in heaven, I needed to try and imagine what was so wonderful that could make me sing out in joy for a whole thousand years. A thing that could excite me for a whole thousand years that I could do nothing but sing and dance out in joy the whole time is incomprehensible to me, but that was what it was to look forward to Heaven, to find out what that thing is. And I don't think it's something that God is hiding under his trenchcoat, but I think it will be God's majesty itself, in all its glory. I think that because I sometimes feel it while on Earth, that sense of being in awe of God, a desire to grow closer to God and to be in God's presence. This is Heaven's reward, and it is hard for people who do not have this desire to understand what is so great about it, which is very similar to why I didn't understand what was so great about this man's view of heaven when I was seven.
A person once told me that no matter how good a thing is, one will eventually be tired of it, even existence. That is why if there was a Heaven, if it was for eternity, it would eventually turn into Hell, because one would grow sick of existence. I don't believe this, though, because the bible tells us that there will be no weariness in Heaven, and boredom is a kind of weariness. Getting sick of something is a kind of weariness. It is hard to imagine because we only have our earthly bodies as reference, but it will be a different kind of existence, one that we cannot yet comprehend. I was thinking about this earlier today, and it occurred to me, Heaven and Hell have one thing in common. You see, I believe that Heaven is being in the complete presence of God, and the thing about being in the complete presence of God, is that you don't get used to it.
Of course, Hell was not just any kind of hot bath, it was a hot bath that you didn't get used to. You see, at that age when Mum would draw me a bath, the water was always a little bit hotter than what was comfortable for me. However, I'd get in slowly, and my body would eventually adjust to the heat, or as I would put it at that age, "I'd get used to it." Then, the heat would be pleasant, then the water would cool down and I'd sit in the bath for ages not wanting to get out because it was too cold when I got out and my fingers would get all wrinkly.
But the point is... my idea of hell was like a bath that was always too hot, a bath that you wouldn't adjust to.
It seems like a tame idea of hell but I suppose my view of Hell hasn't changed so much. It's not based on heat anymore, but there are plenty of unpleasant things on Earth that you can get used to. You can get used to loneliness, or abuse, or hardship, or heat, or cold, or pain, if you're experiencing it long enough. Some of those things are not things that is necessarily a good thing to get used to, but a lot of the time people experiencing these things learn to live with it if they have to. They get used to it, however unpleasant they might be. Hell is not something I understand a lot about as a Christian, but I mostly believe that Hell is the absence of God. And I suppose I believe that being in complete absence of God, and having full comprehension of that absence, well, you wouldn't get used it.
My view of heaven at seven years old was if a slightly different nature. I imagined it as a place where I could have whatever I wanted, and did whatever I wanted. And at that age, the thing I wanted more than anything else was an infinite source of magic paper, that whatever I drew on it would become real. So when I would pine over the fact that this paper does not yet exist, I would console myself with, "I'll get it when I'm in heaven."
I went to a Christian school where they would have an assembly every Friday morning. I remember one such assembly where they had a guest speaker who was very passionate about heaven. I suspect he may not have really thought about what was the best thing to say to kids to get them passionate, however. But he talked about his own vision of heaven, and I always remembered it.
He said that God would be there, and he'd be like, let me show you something really awesome, and God would open up his coat to show some imaginary thing that was hidden underneath his coat (and I often imagined God to be wearing a trenchcoat for years afterwards whenever I thought of heaven), and God would show us this awesome thing, and then we'd be so awe-struck and astounded that we would praise God for a thousand years. And just when that thousand years was up and we were winding up our praise for God, God would say, "Let me show you something else," and he'd show us another thing that was hidden underneath his coat, and we would be so awe-struck and astounded that for another thousand years, we would be worshipping God. And just when that second thousand years ended, God would say... well, you get the picture. This would go on for eternity.
And you can imagine what I, a seven-year old girl was thinking, that spending a thousand years to eternity gawking over something I didn't even know what it was, yet, I wouldn't have any time to draw on my magic paper.
I was disappointed, but I was also a faithful little girl and I told myself that I just didn't get it, yet, that I knew that Heaven would be fun. And if that's what we'd be doing in Heaven, well, we'd have fun doing it. And for some reason, this image stuck with me.
Now that I'm older I think I understand better what the man was talking about, and why he was so excited about his view of heaven, an excitement I couldn't comprehend at the time. I had to change my thinking a bit to understand it, though. Instead of thinking about what I could get to do in heaven, I needed to try and imagine what was so wonderful that could make me sing out in joy for a whole thousand years. A thing that could excite me for a whole thousand years that I could do nothing but sing and dance out in joy the whole time is incomprehensible to me, but that was what it was to look forward to Heaven, to find out what that thing is. And I don't think it's something that God is hiding under his trenchcoat, but I think it will be God's majesty itself, in all its glory. I think that because I sometimes feel it while on Earth, that sense of being in awe of God, a desire to grow closer to God and to be in God's presence. This is Heaven's reward, and it is hard for people who do not have this desire to understand what is so great about it, which is very similar to why I didn't understand what was so great about this man's view of heaven when I was seven.
A person once told me that no matter how good a thing is, one will eventually be tired of it, even existence. That is why if there was a Heaven, if it was for eternity, it would eventually turn into Hell, because one would grow sick of existence. I don't believe this, though, because the bible tells us that there will be no weariness in Heaven, and boredom is a kind of weariness. Getting sick of something is a kind of weariness. It is hard to imagine because we only have our earthly bodies as reference, but it will be a different kind of existence, one that we cannot yet comprehend. I was thinking about this earlier today, and it occurred to me, Heaven and Hell have one thing in common. You see, I believe that Heaven is being in the complete presence of God, and the thing about being in the complete presence of God, is that you don't get used to it.
03 April 2010
Dreaming and Intelligence
I had a dream about this boy, he was mistreated and abused and grew up to be like an animal. Less than an animal, even. He had no emotions and no cognitive intelligence, he was a human-shaped creature and full of aggression. It wasn't his fault, he was destined to be like this. Then I dreamed of his death, and the Grim Reaper came for him. The Grim Reaper saw that he never had a chance and took pity on him, and gave him not only a second chance at life, but gifted him with emotions and intelligence, and adopted him. He was a strange thing, with a mind and a heart and an existence that came from Death.
I don't know how or if the dream relates to this, but I woke up remembering something that somebody asked me, once. It had something to do with whether or not I had some kind of mental disability, or abnormality, or something. He wasn't being mean, he was asking nicely out of genuine curiosity, and admitted that it was something he had wondered about.
It is something that I sometimes wonder about. He is not the first person to have wondered that, and I have also found out that in my early school years, my teachers were concerned and wanted to test me. Mum insisted that there was nothing wrong with me. They did some behavioural tests, to see how I understood and followed instructions, and when I did very well, Mum insisted they not test me further.
Today I woke up wondering with the idea that it might be worth making an appointment with a psychologist and finding out for sure. I probably won't get around to doing it, though.
I don't know how or if the dream relates to this, but I woke up remembering something that somebody asked me, once. It had something to do with whether or not I had some kind of mental disability, or abnormality, or something. He wasn't being mean, he was asking nicely out of genuine curiosity, and admitted that it was something he had wondered about.
It is something that I sometimes wonder about. He is not the first person to have wondered that, and I have also found out that in my early school years, my teachers were concerned and wanted to test me. Mum insisted that there was nothing wrong with me. They did some behavioural tests, to see how I understood and followed instructions, and when I did very well, Mum insisted they not test me further.
Today I woke up wondering with the idea that it might be worth making an appointment with a psychologist and finding out for sure. I probably won't get around to doing it, though.
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